when you play with fire:

this is my hcg journey.

here i sit and write another entry that i wish i didn't need to be writing.

i don't like to publicly admit that i'm human,

but i share this dreadful tale because then it becomes a learning experience.

also, someone, somewhere can learn from my mistakes.

and it's for me.

now don't think i've gone off the deep end or something like that.

i just made a SLIGHT (term used loosely) dietary error.

when i'm on hcg i'm strong. (except when i think i'm pregnant)

without the hCG love running through my veins i've proved to be downright naughty!

on tuesday i realized again, that i need to be a little more cautious.

let me explain.

it sounds harmless, really.

i was baking a cake.

my firstborn was turning 6 and i took it upon myself to make cupcakes for his little party.

i didn't think second thoughts about making the cake.

i just got out the ingredients and began adding them to the kitchen aid.

as i added butter, fresh ground flour, cocoa, sugar, eggs, vanilla, the batter began to take beautiful form.

and it smelled good too.

then, the thought went through my head,

"oh, one lick won't hurt"

i was my own peer pressure.

in no time, i had convinced myself that one lick wouldn't make any difference.

from that one tiny decision....

i ate a LARGE hand full of batter

i was so irrational that i didn't even use a spoon, i just scooped it right up with the cup of my hand.

after that, the battle in my brain continued.

"no more! " i'd demand.

"oh why not, you've already messed up this much, why not enjoy yourself" i'd retort.

unfortunately the bad guys won the battle and i ended up eating 3.5 additional baked cupcakes topped with the most delectable butter-cream frosting i've ever laid my lips on. oh. my.

they tasted amazing, but.................................

after i snapped out of my sugar induced coma, all i could think about was what the scale would say the next morning.

then, to my surprise,i was the exact same weight i was the day before. 

i was relieved, but as my day progressed,

i physically began to pay the consequence for my choice.

i turned into the same sugar monster i remembered from days gone by. 

believe me, she's not pretty.

by golly, she is down right witchy! 

the children cowered.

my body started aching.

i felt depressed.

i laid on the couch and wallowed and napped.

my brain turned to mush and i couldn't even think straight. 

i haven't been so exhausted in longer than i care to remember.

and then as i thought, i did remember. 

i remembered that oh so familiar feeling. 

lethargy,

mood swings,

aches,

stiff joints.

that's the way i felt quite often when i was the mammoth 274 lbs that i was.

it sucks to feel like junk.

the next day, improved a  bit, but still suffered from some of the same symptoms. 

yuck.

not only that, but the scale finally accounted for my error.

i went from 222.6 to 223.9.

and i was glad. 

it was just the right jab in my side to remind me of what junk food does to my body.

i'm all about creating/hoping for natural consequences for my children....and for me too when i behave poorly.

so, i did what any regretting phase 3er would do, i did a steak day.

all day, i drank and drank and drank and drank (water of course)

then, for dinner i ate those juicy ribeyes followed by an apple like have several times before. 

and then, i hoped for the best.

this morning when i woke and weighed, LUCKILY, i was back down to 221. 

not only that, 

 my energetic, mentally stable, mostly patient and sweet self had returned.

all i have left is the memory of how downright awful i felt.

thank goodness.

my goal:

to remember. 

my plan:

be smart: don't start.......

because one lick CAN hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and in honor of my hatred towards sugar and it's unappreciated influence on my psyche.... i'm throwing the frozen cupcakes OUT!!! 

sugar is not my friend.

it is my healhy, happy bodies' enemy!

thankfully,my body had been without any type of refined sugar or wheat for over 47 days and i wasn't so numb that i could see the harmful effects of those glistening white granules.

  

p.s. while we're on a sugar note here, i just wanted to share this: i received an e-mail from mercola.com for this article while writing this post: 

Agave Nectar Health Food Hype

i found it very enlightening!